The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression :'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

An old lady who speaks no English, only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She can't find any - but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a kippa. "Yunger mann, kum aher" she calls ."Vu fint m'n der bebbe pooder?"

The sales clerk responds --"Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen - ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey - nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen." And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following. him.

Now -- this clerk happens to be very bow-legged, very noticeably bow-legged. When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a g'shrey -- "Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht ge'daft kein bebbe pooder!"

She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.

The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.

She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,

"You can't come closer! I have a cross."

The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!"

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.

4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.

11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."

14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.

16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork